Locked in My Head

I happened to chance upon Ning's Microsoft Word document file on her account and I realised how badly I had treated her. I never really liked to talk to her because I can't stand how everyone thinks she's smarter and all. It's not like I haven't tried hard. It just seemed like no matter how hard and much I try, I'm still a far cry compared to her. So I've been ignoring her and calling her mean stuff for quite some time. I guess she's real lonely because she writes everything she's been meaning to talk to everyone (who obviously, ignores her too) in the file. Sorry Ning. I'mma gonna remind myself to treat her loads better from now on.

Sometimes I really think I need to grow up. Childish. Okay I have some plans I wish to stick to.
1. Treat my sister better and not as crap.
2. Think of some people and definitely the special person daily Y
3. Study reallll hard (okay so I shan't care about what people say about 'don't follow in your sister's footsteps or you'll end up like her *talks about PSLE results posting day* __ I mean, it's my life in the future and Ning's gonna live her own life so, what's the point of blabbing all this shit?)
4. Cherish the people around me and remember the old friends (don't let them become just a memoryyyy!)
5. Squeeze some time to come online no matter what. (Fridays = two hours? 8D)
6. If I have the time, I shall scribble in my diary whatever I want to tell I-know-who :)

7. I don't think I would want to marry a Singaporean guy :x

My adrenaline level keeps on risingggggggg and my heart beats like a million times a millisecond. Howwww?!
Ohya thanks Hubert, for actually not scolding my head off when I ranted on and on about how sad I was -.- Really needed to talk about it or I guess I'll explode with tears. Seriously, thank youuuuuuuuuuuu.

Whirlwind

I want the L.A.M.B perfume.
I want the pretty bag from Accessorize.
I want more dresses.
I want my iBanking thing to arrive early pls.
I wonder why how my heart melts so easily ;o

BBWP.

Went out for Japanese buffet at Nihon Mura with Yuhan, her mum, my mum and my sister yesterday :) My mum and hers seem to know each other since the day they were born, taking into account the amount of stuff they can go on ranting about. They were seriously talking about everything under the sun! Anyway Yuhan told me something that my mum asked her during tuition last year o.o Erm oops I guess things got potrayed in a too-obvious manner. It's been over sooooooooooo long ago so it's like whatever. We, the four females (excluding my studious sister 'cause she was revising her schoolwork), were discussing about ghosts and souls *freaks out* Scary but.. strangely funny at some parts hahaha. (Suddenly, as I was typing the previous sentence, my goosebumps popped and my hair pricked.)

You know what. I think I just picked the wrong guy again. There's the click but there's not much understanding? Yuhan and I shared our views towards commitment yesterday and it turns out that we don't really like relationships. I, don't exactly like commitment. I feel handcuffed or something. Like, tied down to a guy. Not much freedom? I don't know.

Another thing to add: I don't know why but I feel like throwing up. Why do I feel so grossed out? Guys are guys... and... ugh I don't know why *scratches head*

Oh I really wish Qinxin would cheer up and stop being so emo. She's always talking about death in her blog posts. Can't figure why either. Hmm she's like me, in the case where we don't like sharing our woes with others, but it's enjoyable to share joy. Yeah although I don't pour out my woes, I do write them down and eventually tell someone a few years later. Qinxin, cheer uppppp. You can't die because the world will be short of a pretty girl. And being many miles underground isn't really cool and you've to support the earth with your hands. Smile!

First Huge Heartbreak

Been feeling really horrible and moody for the past few days, because of my results. I'm really thankful to many friends and teachers for trying to cheer up up Y

Qinxin: Thanks for trying to console me though you were upset over your results too. Not just when we've just received our results, but also the day after that, when you were feeling down.

Yuhan: Thank you for coming over to witness me flood Singapore with my hot tears even though you had just teared over your grade for Higher Mother Tongue. Yeah I know you were sad too, and I'm grateful because you actually came over to see if I'm okay. Thank you so much.

Huili: Thanks Senior, because you have been standing beside me even before I got my results, and still lingering around when I'm sobbing like crazy.You were tagging along and jokingly told teachers that it's not right to say 'It's okay.' Hahaha thank you for the tissue papers too.

Xiawei: Thanks for tissue papers and consolations and company to the toilet and everywhere, and for watching me cry for soooooo long.

Mandy: Thank you toooo, for watching me cry like there's no tomorrow.

Yuxin: Thanks for the card you gave me before I got my results. Haha, I saw you avoiding me when you saw me. Because seriously, I would probably ask you how you've fared, and you'd have to tell me, and I'll start bawling all over again. So really, thanks! Will always love my Tall, Yuxin Y

Mr Seow: Thanks for the encouragement and consolations, but geez, I'm still a bit sad. Hmm must still, move on.

Ms Tsao: You didn't say too much but still thanks for the all the consoling and tissue paper Y

John: Thanks for the keychain! You were like, "Even though you're like that now, I still have to give you this. *opens bag*" Haha and because I cried too much, you didn't dare (?) to pass me the acne cream lol.

Shujing: Thanks for comforting me!

Miss Ng: Thanks for tissue and comfort! (Hmm why do all the teachers have the same brand of tissue?)

Mr Gan: Hahaha Mr Gan made me laugh although his tactic was a bit.. lame :x He obviously saw me tearing but when he saw me like long long long time after that, he asked me how I fared and I told him 12. He was walking away and shouted back, 'Huh?' and I shouted back, '12!' while giving him handsigns, like 1 and 2. The next unexpected reply was, 'Wow 3 points ah! Good!' .... hahahaha. Thanks for making me laugh.

Sean: Though I only know him for like a few days, he cheered me up a lot. Thanks a lot :D Like, really grateful!

Benedict: Er. He didn't really do anything lah. Okay he saw me crying, then asked me for my points on MSN and it made me feel better in a way that.. getting many As might not turn out good. Thanks.

Waeting: Thanks for asking :)

Kenneth and Alvin: Sorry.. I forgot what you guys said.. but I know you two did make me cheer up. Thanks.

He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why

I think I would be posted to CJC :) / :\

Future

So my results are out, and upon receiving it, I almost flooded Singapore with my tears. After like a million consoles in erm, one hour or more, I actually felt better and my tears stopped flowing. I mean, twelve points isn't that bad right? It's like a grade of A2 for each subject, and A2 is still a distinction.

けねん

I'm afraid of going to school later in the afternoon. I'm afraid of getting my results. Like, what if it's bad? What if it's not up to the expectations of Mummy and Daddy, like how my PSLE results disappointed them? I'm sick of being compared to a sister with an extraordinary high IQ with peaked-high results. Perhaps if I was the younger sister, I could live just in her shadow. But that's just not the case. No matter how hard I try, it's kind of impossible to be the top few in my class, like my sis does. I'm dreading the results because I don't know what I would do if it turns out real bad. Sometimes late at night when every household's lights are all switched off, I sit before my study table and books, maybe even weeping. The stress was sometimes difficult to handle.

Let's say, if my results turn out well, like really well, then I'll go get my ears pierced later.

If it's bad... I mean, lilke what can I do? Go home and cry my eyeballs out? And I'll be the talk of my parents for the next century.

So many times I've planned, to be much more than who I am.

I don't want another pretty face,

I don't want just anyone to hold,

I don't want my love to go to waste;

I want you and your beautiful soul.

- Jesse McCartney's Beautiful Soul

Thank you to all my heaven-sent friends for cheering and calming me down.. although I'm still nervous, but I think it helped in a way or so. Really do feel blessed :) Thank you y'all, love y'all sooo much YYY

If it is to be, it is up to me.

Celine Dion's A New Day Has Come has always been my favourite song ever since the song was played in my dad's car. For years, I've never known who was the holder of such an angelic voice, and neither have I known the title.

Recently, as I randomly tuned in to different music stations which broad casted love songs, this familiar song came up and triggered some memories and thoughts. I guess it has some impact on me which makes me think about situations in life and provided me with emotional support. It made me reflect upon how much effort I've honestly put into studies and life previously. Perhaps I wouldn't define that as extremely hard work, but I've definitely devoted my time into studies instead of hanging out a lot. Sometimes i cry in the night because the pace the world's going is driving me crazy. Every thing's revolving so quickly and every one's aiming for a goal that they would do anything to achieve. The world's a horrible and cruel place to live in, if you consider the harsh reality and hard-to-grapple minds of people.

"Now, every one's competing for something. Education is not so innocent and simple, it's gotta be with depth." -- an uneducated uncle whom I'm acquainted with told me so. A simple remark he passed got me wondering /: There's no reason for me to slack when every one's busy chasing their dreams. Probably, they aren't, but just keeping up with the hectic speed.

Aza Fighting! Y Gogogo, *cracks whip*. (I'll always remember this phrase)

Jang Geun Suk makes adrenaline runs through my veins like a bullet train Y

Anyone could say those words, but they're only special when they come from him. I see the light in the eyes of that only one boy, and I do love the endless rays of hope I see from his eyes.