If it is to be, it is up to me.

Celine Dion's A New Day Has Come has always been my favourite song ever since the song was played in my dad's car. For years, I've never known who was the holder of such an angelic voice, and neither have I known the title.

Recently, as I randomly tuned in to different music stations which broad casted love songs, this familiar song came up and triggered some memories and thoughts. I guess it has some impact on me which makes me think about situations in life and provided me with emotional support. It made me reflect upon how much effort I've honestly put into studies and life previously. Perhaps I wouldn't define that as extremely hard work, but I've definitely devoted my time into studies instead of hanging out a lot. Sometimes i cry in the night because the pace the world's going is driving me crazy. Every thing's revolving so quickly and every one's aiming for a goal that they would do anything to achieve. The world's a horrible and cruel place to live in, if you consider the harsh reality and hard-to-grapple minds of people.

"Now, every one's competing for something. Education is not so innocent and simple, it's gotta be with depth." -- an uneducated uncle whom I'm acquainted with told me so. A simple remark he passed got me wondering /: There's no reason for me to slack when every one's busy chasing their dreams. Probably, they aren't, but just keeping up with the hectic speed.

Aza Fighting! Y Gogogo, *cracks whip*. (I'll always remember this phrase)

Jang Geun Suk makes adrenaline runs through my veins like a bullet train Y

Anyone could say those words, but they're only special when they come from him. I see the light in the eyes of that only one boy, and I do love the endless rays of hope I see from his eyes.

No Air

Remember when we were closer, I told you how much I cared? Well, I'll always be concerned. This sentence won't be valid any longer, and that's something I have to remind myself. I found out too much tonight, and I don't want to continue the heartbreak. The whole issue seems to turn my life routines upside down, and makes me lose focus on other things in life. Perhaps you'll be happier being a huge flirt. I think it's true when people say that all guys are the same. I can't wait for you any longer because I'd rather be with someone who loves me than to be with someone that I love. I do feel sorry and indebted to that guy who has always been around /:

I'm feeling so darn sad tonight and some people are totally rubbing into it without knowing what had happened. Fyou all who have made my heart ache further.

23 March 2006

A sudden thought just came into my mind. It's regarding the Swiss Chinese Orchestra's concert at Victoria Theatre two years ago on this very day. The Swiss Orchestra Nite will commence today too, within a couple of minutes. I thought about the scene when I saw Lemon as I was walking down the staircase with my younger sister in hand, and all I could see was Lemon and just nothing else. It's like how the whole world fades away with this special person emitting immense light. I can feel this little creature (my imagination) tugging at my heart. I feel some pain deep inside me, I think I miss Lemon, and probably as a friend and not a crush. I was studying when it struck me that today's exactly two years after the day Lemon seriously caught my eye. My heart's in a horrendously miserable state, I can feel it shrinking and cringing. The whole scenario ended up in me not being able to continue my revision because my soul's not within me.

I know/think I'll regret not going for the Swiss Orchestra Nite today because Lemon's probably going. Mummy has been bugging me for the entire day to support my school's Orchestra's performance, but I wasn't really interested. Yunfeng gave me a free concert ticket, but I've wasted it because I'm not in the mood to watch a performance, and honestly, CO music puts me off to sleep. All right, I'm not going to ask around about the outcome because there's a 50% probability of me being moody for the next few days/weeks/months. There's no way I can salvage this situation because it'll take an hour for me to pop over to Republic Polytechnic and the concert might have already started for a long time.

Jang Geun Suk makes life really pleasant Y

Just marry me, marry me.

Yuhan arranged a meet-up with JunYang yesterday, but she couldn't make it in the end since it's a must for her to attend Mdm Tang's remedial lesson. As a result, I had to go and collect the ACJC funfair coupons from him. I got Qinxin to accompany me 'cause it was raining so heavily and the shrill coldness never fail to send shivers down my spine. Anyway, Qinxin and I agreed that JunYang was awfully cute, attractive, handsome, tall etc. Yuhan was extremely remorseful so she's getting her love to come back again.. by purchasing more coupons from him in the name of her friends. Hahahaha she's actually forking out money!

Annual Cross-Country was commenced at Chinese Garden today : ) Dad gave Mandy and I a ride over to Chinese Garden. I've told him to drop us off at Chinese Garden MRT station, but instead, he drove us over to Lakeside MRT station. Mandy and I were really careless to realise only after like 5 minutes of waiting /: It was raining cat and dogs before the race could actually start so everyone assembled in this place which reminded me of the abodes in Hwangjinni Y. The race was sort of okay, but stitches visited me halfway through the race. Oh well. I managed to get the 24th position which was relatively satisfying. Congrats to Swiss Flamers for the achievements Y, (especially my Tall!). I have to say I'm a little disappointed in myself, but I'm glad that I've tried my best and I feel a little weird 'cause I don't have much motivation this year ):

Many guys who really wanted to get into the top twenty positions couldn't make it although they had put in their all. Desmond ran non-stop but he had to settle for the 102th position :O

Had lunch at Causeway Point's Seoul Garden with Yuhan meimeizx, Jolene, Jessica and Edna. Jolene and I headed up the the cinema so we could purchase our tickets first and I saw some shortass with his girlfriend. She's probably nice, but I know you're not. (I wish he could stop fabricating stories that are totally insane, 'cause I don't know when I could get a stick and poke it right through his dick.) The restaurant reeks of the pungent smell of gas.. so the meal started off quite bad. We were sooooo deprived of food so we got a lot of yummy chicken, and I got my delicious vegetables. We ate for almost two hours, and I swear my skin was tugging at my stomach.

Step Up 2 was fabulous and it's a must-watch :D It's worth every single penny and my youth! When Channing Tatum appeared (like finally) in the only few scenes, I started screaming my lungs out and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through every body part of mine. He's so tall and muscular and cute and good-looking and talented and he's like a teddy bear. I totally love guys who are like teddy bears because they look so huggable and nice to cuddle with. The songs and dance were awesome too. (I think I shall cut this short because I really have to sleep soon.)

You crept into my heart announced, supplying it with drugs. Sometimes I feel as if I'm on cloud nine, but sometimes, I feel like the withdrawal symptoms have come to get me in rehab. I know you've tried your best today yah :)

Cassie - Is It You

Y

I'm looking for a lover not a friend
Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I'm looking for someone who won't pretend
Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows always
Baby I like to have you in my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking on the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

I'm looking for someone to share my pain (Uh)
Someone who I can run to, who would stay with me when it rains
Someone who I can cry with trough the night
Someone who I can trust who's heart is right
And I'm looking for someone

Take for grant
How much I care (How much I care)
And appreciates that I'm there
Someone who listens
And someone I can call who isn't afraid of thought to share

Chemical Reaction, will it last?

I smiled, then looked away, embarrassed that I was caught sneaking peeks of you. But, I remember that you were looking back too.

I just received a call from this distant-relative and his voice was just so sickeningly familiar. Yes, I just said that it was sickening so induced the Macdonald's meal I've eaten this morning to shoot up from my stomach through my oesophagus out of my mouth. He tries to be friendly although my family isn't even in contact with his so like, what the hell and let's end the pointless conversation.

I know I've gotten over Lemon not very long ago, probably about a month ago or something. Now there's another guy who entered my dream one night last week. I thought that was bad enough. However, what's worse is that I realised he has already conquered my heart. I stacked bricks around my heart to build a tall and sturdy wall, but with one touch, he made the wall crash to the ground. I think I've never told him how much he got me running non-stop, like there's never going to be a finishing line.

Y 장근석

Are you kidding? Of course I miss you without having you to remind me. It's a voluntary action.

Tree. Bird. Flight. Sky. Eye. Love. You.

Monday (18/2): The first day of the week was a bad start since I slept after twelve the night before. The clock was ticking really slow in school and the process was an extremely arduous one to go through. We took this Chemistry test which freaked me out in a way or another, but at the same time appear easy to me. I really want my grades to improve, so I'm working really hard towards my goals. Hmm, maybe not that hard still, because Lee Dong Wook is draining my attention in homework to him. Oh there's this juicy news too -- Guangxue announced that he has a crush on Sammini! (Sammini was absent though)

Tuesday (19/2): My ultra-cute-twin and I told Sammini about Guangxue's confession of his love for her (it was meant as a joke) and she took it for real! (gulity) Lots of explaining to do. Was looking foward to doing homework given for Emaths when Mr Ngoh told me that my Emaths exercise book isn't with him. Infact, he didn't even receive it. I seriously handed it up. Hey, I mean, I hand up every Mathematics assignment given to me ever since I was in... Secondary One? (I think I have STM because I have a really vague memory of my life before Secondary Two /:) So like, either that Mr Ngoh got my book mixed up with the other books from other classes, or that some muthafucker stole my book! I have to admit that I'm damn pissed off. I swear to clobber that dickhead if I ever find out who the hell he is. I know this sounds really immature and senseless but the absense of my book deprived me of writing neatly and with pride in homework.

Wednesday (20/2): I think Hubert should get L1/1 for inference in source-based questions. What the hell, he needsevidence to make an inference alright. Nw Sammini thinks Guangxue doesn't have a fetish for her. Hopefully things become better 'cause I think her heart's gonna break. I've learnt to keep my mouth shut even though I mean it as a joke because I never know when people will take it as the truth.

Thursday (21/2): Took Biology test, which was regarding Sexual Reproduction in Plants. Woohoo. It's the first time I took a Bio test with such a breeze! I guess my efforts paid off for studying this chapter for days (well, I studied a week before the test) and for many hours the night before. I hope the results are good yup.

My heart melted to the radiating heat of yours.

This just feels so good Y

There was a family gathering organised yesterday to celebrate paternal grandparents' birthday. We had buffet at some restaurant at United Square. There was a wide variety of food which succeeded to set my tastebuds dancing, but there was a huge range of food that didn't fall into my catergory of 'edible food'. I don't consume most seafood (I fear high cholestrol k) and I think I suffer from sashimi-phobia. Seriously the sight of people with such slimy substances in their mouths irks me! It makes me want to vomit in a way or two. My stomach was really bloated for the rest of the day, so I ended eating only one meal of the day.

Hahaha did some shopping after the buffet. Spotted this dimly-lit shop which was stocked with adorable hair-bands. There were so many which caught my eye but I just had to settle for ten pairs. Managed to order a DKNY jacket too (smiles like an idiot). Retail therapy? It's the best therapy ever.

Why Not? (L)

It's Valentine's Day today yo! Many classmates got candies and chocolates for everyone, and I seriously felt guilty because all I did was to collect treats from them /: Hm, actually I brought like eight Ferrero Rocher chocolates, because I was too lazy to walk to the supermarket in my uniform yesterday (ugh the guilt is killing me).

Some of my classmates came up with this fabulous game for Physical Education lesson today. It was absolutely fun and somewhat got my heart pumping (it sounds as if my heart doesn't pump in my life).

My face is turning into a grosteque shade of green and purple. I look like a patient who's down with a terminal disease or something. Yes I look that bad right now. Prolly due to the lack of sleep recently. This isn't a voluntary action, neither is it a reflex action. I was left with no choice since I've been born to be someone who has to complete all her tasks.

He makes me do the hula-hula.

Baked banana muffins with liquor raisins for a few of my friends and family members yesterday at Aunt's. I'm glad the muffins were a success and I couldn't really believe that those were my creation. Headed for Aunt's house at 9am, to bake the muffins and help her out with the preparation of food. I wasn't exactly aware that the extremely-extended family members were coming so I just wore super-casual shorts and tee. It was horrendously embarrassing because most of them were clad um, formally(?). Luckily ,the muffins saved my reputation because they were impressed by how the muffins tantalised their tastebuds.

I have something to confess 'cause the joy's building up in my heart since last night. Firstly, I think my cousin, yes the cousin which I actually confessed to when I was in my diapers, (well, not diapers though) is sickeningly hot. I hate to admit it but he just is. Secondly, I woke up yesterday morning to realise something's missing, but my life doesn't turn out to become an incomplete puzzle just because of a missing piece. My feelings for Lemon are gone and I feel free. No more tinge of sadness and regrets. Right at this moment, I miss him, but definitely because I've lost contact with this friend.

Let's go baby.

Maternal grandma almost forgot about my birthday but she remembered in the end :D And I love her all the same

Going over to Aunt's to bake cookies/muffins for my friends as birthday presents on Sunday. So like, there's gonna be all my love and hard work in the lovely delicacies! I hope they like the muffins yah.

Don't tell me how you forgot my birthday.

Reunion dinner at paternal grandparents' was really fun. Received double the number of red packets because of my birthday. Steamboat was delicious and I ate like, a cow. My family members were like super cheesy and they sang a birthday song for my father and I. Awww, have to admit that I was kind of touched, heh. Took quite a number of photos with my cousins and family members too. Thanks all, I love you people Y

In addition, I wish to thank Eileen (the other bisexual) and Jana for the birthday wishes.

Heaven-sent Friends

There was Character Development lesson before Assembly yesterday, and Miss Chew was informing us about goal settings, like how to set goals and how to keep motivating yourself towards the goals you make. So like, there was this point: Write your goal(s) somewhere where you can see often so it will spur you on to fufil it. Haha my lovely twin Qinxin went to prepare for the upcoming performance so Kaining the bisexual sat beside me. I took out a piece of paper and wrote in quite huge fonts 'I want to marry Kaining!' Oh have I ever explained? She has a crush on me! (Okay, that's a big lie)

I had a horribly long nap (or rather, sleep) for four hours yesterday, and various dreams kept popping up in my head because I was taking too much of a break. Hmm, first I dreamt that I almost killed this guy I detest a lot because I kept whacking and smacking him. I know that sounds sadistic but I was kind of happy when I thought of it. If only I could whack and give him a piece of my mind in reality without facing the consequences!! Second dream was something like, about my friends and team mates? I couldn't really remember what happened, but it has something to do with them buying medicine for me. Hah, medicine?! What a dream. There was this other dream but I was just viewing the whole scene so it's kind of stupid.

I was awaken by this ear-piercing phone call from Yuhan. Well, my parents and sister were at the airport so no one was at home to wake me up. I'm glad that she woke me up or I guess I'll be sleeping till this morning.

As for today... I'm sixteen-years-old already!

My day started out um, okay, because I have some trouble waking up due to sleeping late last night. Not like I could help it, because I had seriously too much sleep during the day. I was rushing for the bus and I definitely would not like to be late on my birthday, and also on Chinese New Year's eve!

Qinxin wished me Happy Birthday upon my arrival and Kaining (haha my lover) gave me a present Awww, I was kind of touched because I've yet to get one for her (I was seriously too busy to go out. Sorry love) and she was actually strained up for time yesterday.

On my way to Yuxin and Yuhan's class for cheena lesson, my awfully cute Jin Xiawei wished me happy birthday too. She was darn cute, she has always been. Qiumei spotted me and passed me a present and a hug. I love and appreciate Qiumei the pretty girl alright Y

Chinese lesson was boring (as usual) and we have this composition to write. I find the question tough and I was too happy to do my compo. Yuhan gave me present(s) which is/are from her, Jolene, Jessica and my tall (takes back what I've said) Yuxin! The T-shirt is super sweet and I want to wear it for reunion dinner tonight. Yuxin wrote this nice-but-not-too-cheesy card + a hug for me too. Yingsi (who is surprisingly taller than me and I don't know why!) wished me happy birthday too. Thank you thank you thank you YingSi! Um, Yunfeng forgot that today's my birthday ): Hahah he thought it was tomorrow! But he wished me happy birthday too. Thanks Laoda! Huikeng and Qinxin got this um, 'candy dispenser' for me. It was super nice of them lah. There wasn't any candies in the dispenser, but notes from them to me *heart melts* They haven't really completed the notes, so the rest may be given to me next Monday.

It's quite a long post, but it's worth it because I can thank many people. Thank you my smart Snail for wishing me happy birthday (and a happy cny -.-) this morning! HAHA and my father even went like, 'Oh yah, it's your birthday tomorrow! Hah, but tomorrow's mine~' Thank you Qinxin and Huikeng for the 'candy dispenser'! Thank you Jolene and super-uber-tall-Jess and Yuhan and tall Yuxin for the cards, letters, 39 hand-made hearts, 3 uhhh folded stars (?), 4 folded roses, the awfully nice green tee and for the Stitch soft toy! Also, thanks to Yuhan for the 'Gan that dumbass will always love you no matter what you do :D' Thanks Tall for the 'My Shorts mean alot to me... being shorter than me' Thank you my lover, Kaining (who 'broke up' with me today ) for the handy Snoopy planner/diary! Thank you Chiobu Qiumei for the hug and the pink tee (it's kind of big for me though, but I'll wear it 'cause it's from Qiumei)! Of course, thanks to Mandy, Yunfeng, Jeffery, YingSi, Kenneth, Huili and Xiawei for the birthday wishes! (inserts infinite hearts)

Jolene: Lemon got boyfriend.
Me: Hahaha you mean girlfriend?
Jolene: Lemon got boyfriend.
Me: Huh? How did you know?!
Jolene: You never watch tv meh?

She was referring to the Ribena advertisement where this lemon and blackcurrant were dancing and falling in love! I told a hell lot of people about this dumb but highly amusing joke. Like.. wow, Lemon's homosexual.

Stuck-like-glued.

Taylor Swift Y Teardrops on my Guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Picture Perfect

You're on my heart just like a tattoo Y

Received my results for Chinese O Levels Examination on Thursday. Woah, heaved a huge sigh of relief 'cause I seriously thought I was one of the people who failed to get an A1. Yeah so technically I should be happy. After Qinxin got her results (which was a definite A1 tooo!), we ran speedily to the hall to ask the seniors about theirs. Many were crying, some with tears of joy while some with disappointment. Mmm, I saw him, but my tongue got tangled up like usual, so nothing came out from my mouth even after prompts from Qinxin. Due to the lack of time, I ran back to the classroom to get ready for badminton tournament. While I was packing my stuff, I started crying. Those were not tears of joy because of the results. Those were the sadness and knowing how pathetic I was for not being able to look at him in the eye, what's more talking to him. Priyangha came over and asked me for the reason of my tears, as she thought I was too happy. So I told her the actual reason and well, she gave me a sort-of-hug and wished me luck for the tournament. (let's not talk about the tournament. more tears during the tournament.. and I have to say that I love my teammates a lot, really)

There's this guy I'm really apologetic towards for ignoring him everytime. It's not that I don't find him nice, but seriously, I stereotype the type of guys which I think he's classified under. I know I should not be thinking in this manner, but I can't help it. I'm going nuts.

Anyway, I told Miss Tsao about my crush on Lemon since he's already gone for good and she can't go around telling others. She was quite astonished and she commented, "Erm, he's kind of eccentric, you know." Ahhhh /: Eccentric? Hahahahaha.

Oh I love Xiawei so much. Begged her to call Lemon on Thursday, but there wasn't any answer. So she called yesterday. Hahaha Jin is very cute Thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks!!

Talked for a bit with Jiajin on MSN last night, and I got to confirm my guess. He's with ZhangLu! (claps claps) Oh I wanted to tell him about my crush on Lemon, so that he can tell him or something, but I don't know why, he finds the clue(s) not obvious. Maybe I don't want Lemon to know anymore, 'cause this whole thing is leading nowhere.

F-a-i-t-h.

School officially reopens tomorrow! I've yet to do my English comprehension yet... let's be honest, I don't even feel like completing it. Got to wake up super early from tomorrow onwards already, and stay in school till like super late, and come home with a super huge homework load, with a minimal amount of time left for fun and entertainment. So this is like my first time of the year I'm using the computer, and logically speaking, according to what I've planned, I can only use the computer like for just once more this week. (yeah liar -.- I used it yesterday too)

Maybe I won't get used to the whole-school-thing for the first couple of weeks. Okay I have something to confess: The heartbreak's not over. There's so much I want to say, but I can't do so anymore. I wish I could turn back time, although the better alternative is to just move on. Damn pathetic, I know. I can't believe I'm a Secondary 4 student already! (pulls hair)